food, can't live with it, can't live without it...

Chocolate

The struggle with food began in earnest for me when I went away during college to England for a half semester.  I had a room, with a bed, a three tiered shelf and a desk.  I was lonely, cold, wet, scared, and insecure.  Luckily, one block down was a convenience store.  Now, England is not known for it's culinary delights, however, in terms of junk food, I'd probably place it at number one.  Every day, I stocked my little shelf full of junk.  I'd arrange it and inventory it and replace what had been eaten.  Most of it was sugar, cadbury chocolate and the occasional salty bag of crisps.  Every evening, I'd drown the bad feelings with snacks and milky, sugary tea.  hob nobs, prawn crisps, golden crumble (which I think is actually an Australian thing).

Well, I came home and tried to mend my ways.  However, since I was a homebody, I became a closet eater.  At night.  In the kitchen.  Before anyone else was around.  Back at college, I hoarded food in my room.  Finally, after my mom died, my metabolism caught up with me and the weight "stuck" around long enough for me to go on rigorous diets, lose the weight, and then eat in oblivion again.

Why burden you with this tonight?  I'm hungry.  I've been doing fabulously compulsively well on this round of calorie counting and journalling.  But, today, I've been starving all day.  I've been trying to work out what emotional thing I'm trying to force down with food (albeit diet food) but haven't gotten it yet.  I was hoping this would help. 

Maybe it's the end of the school year.  Maybe it's the unkown of next year.  Maybe it's the long, long summer in front of me.  Who knows?  Anxiety however, is lurking about.

So, my calories consumed, I'll be having a big glass of water and retiring with some mind numbing t.v.